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Cocks The Dubious Dictionary: An

14 April 2008

ARRESTANT: Something that causes an insect to stop moving.* Examples of commonly used arrestants are the sole of a shoe, a rolled up newspaper, and a flyswatter.ARCHEMANDRITE: Head of a monastery.* In addition to being the CEO of the Order, the archemandrite has his pick of each season’s yearling ewes. He also arbitrates the inevitable disputes amongst the monks about buggery rights to newly arrived novices.APOSTROPHOPLEGIA: Inability to use apostrophes properly. E.g. “Is this here dawg your’s, Lem? I thank it’s laig is hurt.” The most egregious form is the dreaded Apostrophoplegia retalis , in which signs on businesses contain apostrophonious errata. E.g. “CAR’S” “HAIRCUT’S” or the apocryphal “CAR’S TOWED AWAY AT OWNERS EXPENSE.”ARGENT: The heraldic color of silver or white.* E.g. A flaming torch, the scales of justice, a lion rampant, and hippos argent.APODOSIS: Main clause in a conditional sentence.* E.g. “I’m gonna give you probation, Cosgrove. There’s one condition, though: You can’t breathe.”—————————————————————AUTOCOPROPHAGY: The reader is left to figure this one out on his own. In this column, we value delicacy and good taste above all. (Ed.)ATRICHIA: Baldness.* E.g. “Amos, that cheap toupee looks like a dead animal on your head. Atrichia isn’t the end of the world, you know.”AUSCULTATION: Listening to sounds of internal organs.* E.g. “Hector, your prostate is yodeling “America the Beautiful” again. You know how that annoys the cat.”ASHPLANT: Walking stick.* E.g. “If you do that again, Mr Cosgrove, you shall find my ashplant planted firmly up your ass.”APHERESIS: Inbreeding. In certain parts of Arkansas, if a twelve year old girl gives birth to a baby without a cleft palate, it is considered a sign that the girl thinks her immediate family is not good enough for her.

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